Hur det här gick till. Egentligen.

Det var sommarlov. Vi hade varit på Legoland. Vi körde bil norrut på E4:an, på väg hem. Jag ville att vi skulle fortsätta göra det, för jag hade liksom gjort en körplan och räknat ut när vi skulle tanka och allting. Jag hade liksom en RYTM att tänka på. Men min familj började tjata om att de ville stanna på ett lekland. För att det skulle vara ”roligt”. Som om livet ska vara roligt hela tiden. Så jag berättade en väldigt uppbygglig anekdot för dem om basisten i Blur, och hur han berättade i en intervju att det viktigaste han kunde minnas från sin barndom som formade hans karriär som musiker var alla timmar han satt i baksätet på sin pappas bil och hade tråkigt. Det var där han började skriva låtar i sitt huvud, och sedermera blev han alltså en av grundarna till ett av världens största band. ”Kids are never bored anymore, that’s gonna make them a lot less creative”, sa han i intervjun.

Så det berättade jag för min familj.

Och då sa min fru: ”Var det inte den där killen som tog helt sjukt mycket droger och nästan dog av en överdos?”. Och då sa jag att det för helvete bara var ett exempel.

Och då bestämde min fru och våra barn att vi skulle rösta som en familj. De röstade ”Ja till lekland”. Jag röstade ”Aldrigilivet”. Min fru räknade rösterna och Ja-sidan vann med 4-0. Det är jävligt oklart exakt hur det där går till men det är inte första gången det händer.

Så då stannade vi alltså vid leklandet, som är som en plats där någon precis släppt in sexhundra velociraptorer med Ballerinakex och lianer och stängt dörren. Och min dotter sprang givetvis genast upp i en hinderbana byggd av plastnät och ondska och jag visste inte var hon skulle komma ner om hon försvann så jag var tvungen att klättra efter. Och hinderbanan slutade vid en rutschkana brant som den jävla Hahnenkammrennen eller vad fan den där skidbacken heter där alla dör hela tiden. Och där åkte min dotter ner, eftersom hon inte har ett jävla uns av riskbedömning i sig den lilla dåren. Och när jag försökte klättra ner åt andra hållet så stod det en massa skitjobbiga ungar med dialekt och skrek åt mig att jag var i vägen. Och sen fastnade jag i rutschkanan och fick sitta där tills min fru kom och sa ”men snälla Fredrik, vi måste KÖRA nu, vi kan inte vara här HELA DAGEN!”.

Så då skulle vi köra hem. Men precis när vi skulle göra det röstade min familj igenom att vi skulle stanna på en bensinmack och köpa glass. Och jag var positiv till glassen men negativ till stannandet, men eftersom jag är en storsint person och en ansvarsfull ledare av den här familjen gjorde jag hur som helst en beräkning och kom fram till att om jag tankade på den macken så skulle vi klara oss hela vägen hem utan att behöva stanna på mitt planerade tankställe, förutsatt att hela familjen lovade att inte behöva gå på toaletten fler gånger och att inte jävlas med min RYTM. Det lovade de inte. De bara gick in i affären som om de inte ens hade hört vad den ansvarsfulla ledaren av den här familjen hade sagt.

Så jag stod där och tankade. Ensam.

Och medan jag gjorde det sms:ade min fru inifrån affären: ”Visst ligger Kolmården på vägen hem va?”.

Och nu ska det alltså bara sägas här innan något mer sägs här att när man är på en bensinmack så finns det en särskild kategori individer (de har ofta men inte uteslutande takbox, men inte för att jag dömer folk) som gjort det till sin livsuppgift att flanera runt på vår planet och slösa upp allt det bästa syret genom att vara den sortens individer som tankar sin bil, och sedan går in i affären för att handla, UTAN ATT FLYTTA BILEN FRÅN PUMPEN FÖRST. Så att alla andra som kommer till macken efter dem måste stå och vänta tills den särskilda kategorin individ har kommit ut igen med sin Aftonbladet och sina himla ostbollar. Och den sortens individ är inte jag. Så jag flyttade min bil när jag hade tankat färdigt. INNAN jag gick in och köpte Aftonbladet och ostbollar. Som MÄNNISKOR gör.

Jag vill bara göra det klart. Först.

Men nu var alltså bara problemet lite att det inte var helt och hållet glasklart informerat på just den här macken exakt var man fick parkera medan man inte tankade. Så jag svängde åt fel håll runt pumpen. Och sen kom det en husbil. Och jag har en ganska låg stresströskel. Så jag backade och körde runt macken i andra riktningen. Alltså ut på vägen, och sen in igen på andra sidan.

Det var så det här gick till.

Jag körde runt byggnaden och parkerade bilen. Det var det jag gjorde. Det var så det här gick till.

Jag försökte inte lämna hela min familj på en bensinmack i Jönköping.

Om ni får höra en version av den här historien där jag ”fick nog” och försökte lämna hela min familj på en bensinmack i Jönköping så är det alltså fel.

Jag skulle aldrig göra så.

115 kommentarer

  2. Hehehe nej vi tror stenhårt på att du absolut inte lämnade familjen där =). HIhi

  3. Jag tror dig. Familjen lämnar man inte på en bensinmack. Familjen lämnar man på Kolmården. Tiger World låter lämpligt. I. Vid matdags.

  4. Ostbollar? Ostbågar alltså?
    Eller skall vi gå helt gräddBOLLAR här igen? Va?!

  5. Magnus: Det finns en snackssort som heter ostbollar. Vissa individer anser att detta helvetessnacks är jämförbart eller till och med bättre än det makalösa snacks vi kallar ostkrokar. Dessa individer har fel. Ostbollar är onda och borde förintas.

  6. @Snisens ah…tack. Tydligen botaniserar jag inte tillräckligt mkt i godishyllan!

    Bra dock att slippa alla evt boll-diskussioner. Tog hårt senast….

  9. Är ostbollarna gjorda av onda människor?
    Smakar onda människor sämre eller bättre än goda människor?

  10. Goda människor smakar ju givetvis godare än onda människor, det hörs ju på namnet! 🙂

  12. Mackägarna gillar inte att man flyttar bilen innan man betalar (om man inte betalat med kort). De kan tro att det är en slitning på gång. Var med om det en gång i Borlänge när min fd fru flyttade bilen medan jag gick in i macken. Hörde bara fan, fan, fan från kassören…

  15. Så du menar att du stannade i Jönköping utan att äta pizza?? Eller Bada Bing-burgare för den delen… Jag kan bara skaka på huvudet med lite ledsamt uttryck i ansiktet. 😉

  16. Jorma: Jag åt fransk hotdog och drickyoghurt på Statoil. Everyday I’m hustlin.

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