There goes the neighborhood

Våra grannar ska sälja sin lägenhet. Så de hade öppen visning. Den pågick ungefär när mina barn och jag kom hem från förskolan.

Och som bakgrund till det som sedan skedde så vill jag först berätta att man måste sätta gränser för barn. Alla föräldrahandböcker säger det. Barn behöver gränser, det är jätteviktigt. Det är faktiskt inte bara jätteviktigt utan i själva verket ett ansvar som förälder att sätta gränser. Det är en plikt. Så är det. Står överallt.

Och mina barn har en grej just nu där de, om jag inte vill bära dem överallt dit vi ska, lägger sig ner på marken och låtsas sova. De är ganska jävla bra på det också, de små trollen, så de lyckas nästan alltid ligga kvar tillräckligt länge för att jag ska bli tvungen att plocka upp dem och bära hem dem innan de blir överkörda eller jag blir anmäld för nedskräpning.

Hur som helst: Idag satte jag en gräns. För det ska man göra. Så när de la sig ner och låtsades sova så la jag mig OCKSÅ ner och låtsades sova. För att liksom visa hur det KÄNNS. Lite som den där grejen som föräldrar gör när de lägger sig ner på golvet i mataffären och skriker när deras barn lägger sig ner på golvet i mataffären och skriker, och då blir barnet så överraskat att det slutar skrika. Omvänd psykologi, så att säga, eller snedvänd i alla fall, eller hur man nu ser på det. Det funkar. Alla säger det. Sätt gränser.

Nu visade det sig hur som helst att det där inte funkar på barn som låtsas sova. Och sen visade det sig att jag är rätt dålig på att låtsas sova, men i gengäld exceptionellt bra på att somna. Och jag vill poängtera att jag inte SOMNADE, men det är väl inte helt uteslutet att jag liksom s-l-u-m-r-a-d-e. Eftersom det här utspelade sig i hissen i vårt hus, jag har möjligen glömt nämna det, och hissen i vårt hus har ett skönt flow. Den har liksom en lös vajer eller nåt, så den gungar sådär soft som en vertikal roddbåt eller en dödsfälla. Man slumrar bra i såna. Och vi skulle alltså åka från garaget till vår lägenhet, och min dotter hade som vanligt tryckt på alla himla förbannade knapparna innan hon låtsades somna, så vi åkte hela vägen upp och hela vägen ner och stannade på varje våning, och det tar längre tid än man tror, sånt där. Och efter ett tag tappar man litegrann kollen på exakt vilken våning man är på varje gång dörrarna öppnas. Och jag var ju som sagt upptagen med att sätta gränser.

Så jag kan inte säga säkert om det vid något tillfälle stod en lägenhetsspekulant och väntade på hissen eller inte. Och OM det gjorde det så är jag i stort sett säker på att de, när hissdörren öppnades, förstod exakt vad som hände. Att här pågick det gränsdragning.

Jag är nästan redo att helt och hållet utesluta att någon som ska titta på en lägenhet och istället får se mig och mina barn ligga på golvet i hissen när de är på väg in tänker ”det har mördats en hel familj härinne”. Det fanns ju inte ens något blod eller så. Min dotter hade spillt en del äpplejuice på golvet, visst, men jag är nästan säker på att ingen som tänkte titta på en lägenhet var på väg in i hissen och tänkte ”det har mördats en hel familj härinne, och de var ödlor, jag VISSTE det!”.

Och tids nog gav mina barn upp och väckte mig för att de var hungriga, och jag vet väl möjligen inte exakt hur lång tid som hade gått då, men jag är rätt säker på att ingen såg oss. Sen gick i och för sig min dotter in i grannarnas lägenhet och snodde ett par skor från hallen, och jag märkte inte det förrän efter ungefär 20 minuter, men då smög jag genast ut och ställde tillbaka dem väldigt diskret utan att mäklaren såg mig. Så jag är nästan helt säker på att ingen som eventuellt såg oss i hissen sedan upptäckte att vi var borta en stund senare och sedan blev av med sina skor och nu går runt och sprider rykten om att det finns skosnoende utomjordiska spökbarn i den här bostadsrättsföreningen.

Och OM något av det har hänt så är jag nästan säker på att det inte sänker marknadsvärdet på lägenheten.

Det kan möjligen ha sänkt marknadsvärdet en aning när min son råkade dra en gräns med en stol på min tå en stund senare. Men jag litar på att mäklaren förklarade det med ”liv och rörelse här, som ni märker, nästan som att bo i city!”.

216 kommentarer

  1. Älskar det nya sekretessviljoret att man måste trycka på en knapp för att bevisa att man inte är någon robot xD

  2. Jag är en robot som kom igenom din stenhårda captchakontroll. Kom åt mig, broder! Snart är världen min. Min. Min.

  3. När hugade spekulanter vill pressa priset för att det bor en ödlefamilj brevid, kanske du blir tvungen att kompensera grannarna ekonomiskt…..

    Jag gillar att man ska verifiera att man inte är en robot genom att klicka på alla bilder med specifikt motiv. 🙂

  4. 1. Presumtiva köpare skall uppfostras direkt och veta vad de gett sig in på, så du ligger helt fas här. Vi såg till att barnen badade och hoppade studsmatta när det var visning på huset intill. Mäklaren uppskattade inte oljudet, men vi kommer i alla fall inte att få Ove till granne.

    2. Nu skall jag gå och köpa trisslotter så att jag blir rik och kan köpa lägenheten intill din. Vi stör inte jättemycket (läs: mer än en normalstor förskola för orcher), det låter lite högt när jag garvar åt dina texter, bara.

  5. Jag är ledsen Fredrik men du måste skriva en till bok, jag avslutade precis Min mormor hälsar och säger förlåt och jag vet inte hur jag ska bete mig utan den. Det blev helt tomt. (Råkade läsa Britt-Maries historia innan men det funkade överbra ändå.)

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