Min sociala förmåga i lekparker. En följetong i förhoppningsvis begränsat antal delar.

Annan förälder som jag precis har träffat: (Säger något skämtsamt om hur jobbigt det kan vara att få sina barn att faktiskt acceptera att det är dags att gå hem från lekparken)

Jag: (Kunde bara ha nickat och sagt ”Men exakt!”. Men känner tydligen att det är bättre om jag erbjuder lite egna tankar också.) Men exakt! Det JAG brukar göra är att jag bara brukar låtsas att jag är ett hemligt Navy Seal-team som ska frita gisslan från terrorister!

(Tystnad.)

Jag: (Blir lite nervös av tystnaden, och tänker därför tydligen att det bästa jag kan göra är att fortsätta prata) Så jag stannar bilen precis utanför, och kutar in i parken va, och inne i mitt huvud så hör jag bara mig själv skrika i en walkie-talkie ”Bravo-Bravo-Zebra, ’Operation Taking The Hobbits To Isengard’ is complete!”, och sen bara ”katten är i påsen! Jag upprepar: Katten är i påsen!”. Och sen bara rusar jag in i parken, sveper med mig två ungar och låtsas att jag skjuter alla terrorister och sen bara vänder jag mig och LUBBAR mot bilen!

(Tystnad.)

Jag: Det är mina egna barn alltså.

Annan förälder: (Ler. Fast mer som man gör om man försöker öppna locket på en burk som sitter väldigt hårt än som man kanske gör om man har hört något roligt.)

Jag: Jag tar mina egna barn, menar jag alltså. Och de är ju oftast med på det. Det är som…en lek. Jag skulle ju inte kuta in och ta DINA barn liksom.

(Tystnad.)

Jag: Och jag låtsas ju bara att jag skjuter terrorister inne i mitt huvud. Som i…en film, alltså. Jag menar inte att jag låtsas skjuta…andra barn.

Annan förälder: (Tittar över parken som man gör om man letar efter till exempel sina barn. Eller till exempel en polis.)

Jag: Eller…du vet. Jag är inte sån. Det var ett skämt. Eller man ska inte skämta om sånt. Det var inte så jag menade. Jag menade att…det inte var det. Eller…

(Tystnad)

Jag: (Tänker tydligen att det är bättre att berätta en anekdot nu.) Men det är ju jobbigt, menar jag, det där som DU sa. När ens barn inte vill gå hem från lekparken. En gång sprang mina barn och gömde sig och sen skulle en annan förälder hjälpa mig att leta, och hon frågade hur mina barn var klädda, och jag kom inte exakt ihåg för jag har svindåligt färgminne, så jag chansade på kläder de brukar ha på sig, och det slutade med att hon fångade någon annans barn. Och den ungens förälder blev…

Annan förälder: (Harklar sig. Ser ut att vara väldigt, väldigt intresserad av sina skor.)

Jag: Eller färgminne och färgminne. Jag vet inte vad det heter. Men jag glömmer vad mina barn har…du vet.

(Tystnad)

Jag: (Det är ungefär här jag tänker att jag ska dra ett annat, mycket bättre, exempel. För att förklara att det första exemplet bara var ett dåligt exempel.) Alltså, det här var ju…men du, vet du en annan grej? När vi precis hade fått vårt första barn så hade min bästa kompis och jag en idé om att vi skulle hämta honom på förskolan som om det var ett avsnitt av A-Team. Så jag skulle smyga runt utanför parken och röka cigarr och låtsas spana, och sen när det var dags så liksom skulle jag hoppa över ett staket och rusa in och skopa upp min son i famnen, och så skulle min kompis och två andra kompisar stanna en stor svart skåpbil utanför grinden och så skulle jag springa dit med min son under armen…och…en av mina kompisar skulle ha såna här feta halsband och en skulle låtsas vara lite…eller…ja. Du vet. Som Murdock. I A-Team.

(Tystnad)

Annan förälder: (Nickar och ler igen. Fast mer som man kanske gör om man har bitit i en bit Lego i mörkret när man trodde att det var en bit blockchoklad.) Jag fattar. Jag fattar. Kul. Kul killar.

(Tystnad)

Annan förälder: (Ser inte ut att ha jättekul.)

Jag: (Kliar mig på halsen, men det ser eventuellt mer ut som att jag klöser mig själv på strupen, och nu så här i efterhand var väl inte det ett helt optimalt kroppsspråk) Jomen såatte…för att göra en lång historia kort så kom vi på att det där med skåpbilen utanför en förskola inte var en jättebra idé. Att det skulle se konstigt ut, menar jag. Plus att jag inte kände förskolepersonalen jättebra. Plus att det kanske är olämpligt det där med cigarr…på…

(Tystnad)

Jag: Men i alla fall: Var det dig min fru pratade med förut om det där med att era barn kanske skulle komma hem till våra barn nu i veckan och leka?

Annan förälder som jag precis har träffat: (Har ingen klocka på sig. Tittar på den ändå.) Vi ska…nog…

Jag: (Harklar mig) Jag går och hämtar min fru. Ibland kan hon förklara mig ur sånt här.

(Tystnad)

Jag: (Tittar över parken. Tittar på annan förälder. Kliar mig på halsen.) Har du sett henne? Hon är mörkhårig. Hon har…jag tror att hon har en sorts jacka på sig.

234 kommentarer

  2. Jag Ler. Fast inte som man gör om man försöker öppna locket på en burk som sitter väldigt hårt ?

  7. Hahahaha så jävla bra! Hade garvat om jag var där! Känner igen mig och min sambo får förklara vad jag menar ibland för andra

  8. Vilken tur att du pratar skånska så den andra föräldern inte förstod ett ord av vad du just sa…

  10. Skrattar och känner igen mig själv. Jag kan trassla in mig något fruktansvärt och inte håller jag käften då inte. Nej nej nej. Försöker bortförklara eller ”bjuda” på en annan anekdot istället precis som du. Men du, den där föräldern var ju tråkig. Vissa har ingen humor eller fantasi och det är ju inte vårt fel eller hur? ?

  12. Ha ha….så grymt roligt. När min man berättade om vad en mamma till ett barn i min sons klass hade sagt och inte visste vad hon hette och jag bad honom beskriva hur hon såg ut så fick jag svaret: ”hon såg ut som en mamma”! Jaha…..då så…..

  13. Men ja skrattade så ja grät. Det är ju fullt logiskt helt perfekta referenser. För en unge uppvuxen i början av 80 talet. Det tragiska är att de inte lika nördiga föräldrarna inte får lika roligt när man leker. 🙂 mer backman referenser åt folket.!! Testa dino riders

  14. men! hur stela föräldrar finns det egentligen? Får de någonsin sina egna barn att skratta åt något…?

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