Fre-kylningen. En introduktion.

Jag är sjuk. Jag är ju alltid det så här års. Och med ”så här års” menar jag ungefär mellan september och april. Det börjar med en liten förkylning och sedan levlar det upp till något som min fru nu har börjat kalla ”Fre-kylningen”. En del av er som inte följt den här bloggen regelbundet under vinterhalvåret de senaste sex-sju åren kommer kanske få för er att det är samma sak som en ”man cold”, men då har ni verkligen inte förstått komplexiteten i hur dåligt immunförsvar jag har. En man cold är storslagen, den är högljudd, den är ett fullskaligt krig och rysk invasion av Gotland och actionscener och explosioner. En Fre-kylning är mer som en långsam nedmontering av välfärdssamhället, en vit blodcell i taget. En man cold BRYTER UT. En Fre-kylning flyttar in. Den äter upp dina snacks och skrynklar dina Buster-tidningar. En man cold HÖRS och SYNS men en Fre-kylning är en ögontjänare. Alla bara ”så farligt är det inte, sluta gnäll” och man bara ”DEN KISSADE PÅ MITT LEGO!!!” och alla bara ”näää, så skulle den aldrig göra, så gör den aldrig med oss”.

Så Fre-kylningen kommer, tyst och lömskt, och sen kraschar mitt immunförsvar. Och hämtar sig inte riktigt på åtta-nio månader. Så är det varje år. Mitt immunförsvar är så dåligt nuförtiden att min läkare har börjat skaka på huvudet och säga att ”det är som att evolutionen har glömt dig”. Och då försöker jag säga, för att liksom muntra upp mig själv, att det kanske är lite mer som den gamle fotbollsmålvakten Fabien Barthez, det är lite ojämnt bara, antingen håller det världsklass och tar tre straffar eller så bara släpper det in ALLT så fort det släppt in det första målet. Men då säger min läkare att nej, i så fall är mitt immunförsvar nog lite mer som den där massakern i Game of Thrones när EN white walker får en liten jävla öppning i planket och sekunden efteråt är det bara en ensam tjock kille med en grep och en halvflaska Otrivin Mentol mot klabbet.

Och sen säger min läkare att ”det är ju lätt att vara i lite dålig form, men så dålig form som du är i Fredrik det är faktiskt en prestation”. Så jag har ju vetat att det här var på väg, det får jag väl erkänna. Jag var lycklig där ett tag i somras, kände mig liksom hel, såg till och med fram lite mot september och oktober, funderade på att skaffa praktisk frisyr och funktionella regnkläder och köpa svartvita tavlor med stenar och vatten och alger och skit på och börja käka soppa och svamp och bara carpa höst så in i helvete.

Men sen BLEV det alltså höst och då blev jag förkyld, för mina barn har börjat skolan och när de kommer hem är det white walkers överallt och Jon Snow står på en jävla båt på väg därifrån, det ska ni ha klart för er. Och nu är det oktober och nu är jag Fre-kyld. Först blev jag bara den vanliga sortens Fre-kyld, där jag har feber och nyser Ghostbusterskaraktärer i alla riktningar. Men sen fick jag förstås en infektion i halsen så att jag började prata som en Darth Vader-leksak där batteriet håller på att ta slut, och sen fick jag ont i öronen och fick någon sorts lock för det ena så att det började fucka med mitt balanssinne så att jag blev illamående. Det har tydligen något att göra med min ”bitvis närmast exceptionellt bristfälliga fysik” enligt min läkare. Han är väldigt bra på att förolämpa och ge komplimanger samtidigt. Sen fick jag migrän, för det får jag då och då and there’s no time like the present.

Och imorse vaknade jag med någon sorts ögoninflammation. Det kändes inte så allvarligt först men sen kom en kvinna fram till mig på Ica och frågade om jag behövde hjälp med något. Och hon jobbade inte på Ica. Hon menade inte ”hjälp att hitta oliverna” utan mer ”hjälp till akuten?”. För jag såg tydligen ut som Dare Devils origin story. Så då körde jag till Apoteket för att köpa ögondroppar och antingen gjorde jag något fel eller så förväxlade jag ögondropparna och nässprayen men ögonen sved i alla fall mer efteråt än före.

Först tyckte förstås min fru att jag överdrev när jag ringde henne, men nu när hon kom hem så sa hon: ”Oj! Du ser ut som att…herregud, Fredrik, på allvar, du ser ut som att du har gråtit i tre dagar. Har jag gjort slut med dig och glömt bort det eller?”

Och nu, alldeles nyss, fick jag näsblod. Samtidigt som jag nös.

En av mina bästa vänner, som händelsevis under lång tid arbetade som personalchef, har alltid sagt att på min gravsten kommer det stå: ”Här vilar Fredrik Backman. Kungen av karensdagen.”

Min fru säger att hon ska donera min kropp till forskning. Jag sa ”du menar…när jag dör?”, och då gick hon ut ur rummet, och då skrek jag ”DU MENAR NÄR JAG DÖR???” och då svarade hon inte.

Det här blogginlägget är inte på väg någonstans.

Det kommer bara pågå.

466 kommentarer

  2. Jag är ledsen. Det är jag. Men jag kan ändå inte låta bli att liksom frusta lite av skratt när jag läser om alla dina krämpor. Jag ÄR ledsen. Verkligen. Krya på dig!

  3. Jag tyckte synd om mig själv (som också varit sjuk i 4 veckor nu) tills jag läste ditt inlägg, då tyckte jag synd om dig på riktigt. Det. Är. Synd. Om. Dig. Fredrik. På. Riktigt. Jag tycker synd om alla dom som är värda att tyckas synd om när dom är sjuka, dvs, alla dom som inte har någon som tycker synd om dom när de är sjuka. För det är aldrig någon som tycker synd om mig när jag är sjuk (och ja jag är kvinna och det ÄR jobbigt att vara sjuk, och inte blir det bättre av att ingen tycker synd om en). TeamTyckSyndOmOssSjuka

  6. 1. Otrivin menthol!
    2. Nästan i klass med Mark Twains (jag vet) förkylningsbeskrivning!

  7. Det ÄR verkligen jättesynd om dig! Krya! Om det går innan våren är här.

  11. För det första, kul med ett inlägg som inte är reklam.

    För det andra, synd bara att det beror på att du har lite snuva.

    För det tredje, jag vet inte om man skall önska dig ett snart tillfrisknande eller heja på basilusken för fler reklamfria blogginlägg.

    Du gör det inte lätt att vara en människovän. Människoovän? Hmm…

  12. Vad synd om dig, krya på dig!

    Vad synd om MIG också: jag tänkte gå på din läsning i Hamburg nu på Torsdag, men det kommer väl inte att hända nu när du är sjuk, eller fre-kyld? Eller kommer det det?
    Kanske du redan mår lite bättre? Hoppas verkligen du gör det, för båda vars skull…

  13. Du vill förmodligen inte läsa detta men träning är nyckelordet här. Att hålla på med regelbunden träning gör att du stärker immunförsvaret. Ja, jag vet, det suger men är också fakta.

  17. Du vet väl att när man är förkyld så får man äta glass. Det är sen gammalt!

  18. Absolut inte Otrivin om du har näsblod, den sprayen ger mig näsblod, inte bra för känsliga slemhinnor! Vicks Sinex funkar bäst för mig när jag är täppt i näsan av förkylning. En skvätt whisky i varm dryck (typ varm choklad eller varför inte en Irish Coffee) gör underverk för bihålorna.

    Krya på dig!

  19. Det verkar ju lite illa genomtänkt att sitta på en bokmässa om man är så känslig. Det är liksom ett vuxendagis upphöjt till jag vet inte vad när det kommer till bassilusker. Andras bassilusker. Förstår att man måste visa sig när man skriver så bra böcker men….
    Håller med ovanstående när det gäller nässpray. Fast jag försöker undvika helt. Gillar inte riktigt när det ser ut som ett synopsis till ett Dexteravsnitt om man inte hinna hålla för en nysning.
    Men – Krya på dig.

  20. Glömde: TACK för ”och varje morgon blir vägen….” Missade den (ber om ursäkt) när den kom. Men läste nu och njöt, och tjöt.

  22. Pingback: Kapitel 28: 29 januari 2021 – Bokslukande byfåne📚

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