Öga för öga. Tand för tand. Och alla kan faktiskt dra lite åt helvete.

Förra torsdagen: Dagen innan jag skulle åka till Bokmässan

Fru: Glöm nu inte att packa ner tandborsten när du ska till Bokmässan.

Jag: Ja ja ja jag vet.

Fru: Men glöm nu inte, Fredrik, på riktigt. Du vet ju att du kommer glömma den. Du vet ju att du kommer säga ”jajaja” till mig nu och sen kommer du stå på hotellet imorgon och packa upp väskan och bara (jättetaskig imitation av mig där jag låter som en berusad mellanchef med sand i munnen) ”öööh, var är min tandborste nu’rå?”.

Jag: (Möjligen lite kränkt) Det VET jag ju inte!!! Jag VET ju att jag ska packa ner den! Nu direkt!

Fru: (Slår ut med armarna på ett ganska distinkt okej-okej-men-säg-sen-inte-att-jag-inte-får-säga-vad-var-det-jag-sa-när-du-glömmer-den-och-jag-säger-vad-var-det-jag-sa-sätt.) Okej. Okej. Om du vet så vet du. Okej.

(Jag går och packar ner tandborsten. Jag vet att jag packar ner tandborsten. Jag. Vet. Att. Jag. Packar. Ner. Den.)

Söndag. Morgonen efter att jag kommit hem från Bokmässan.

Fru: Letar du efter något?

Jag: (Rotar runt i badrumsskåpet där man kan förväntas hitta sin tandborste om man möjligen glömt att ta med den till Bokmässan trots att man vet att man tog med den till Bokmässan.) Nej.

Fru: (Jättehjälpsamt) Du ser ut som att du letar efter något.

Jag: Nej!

Fru: (Jättejättejättehjälpsamt) Om du berättar vad du letar efter så kan jag hjälpa dig hitta det.

Jag: Jag letar inte efter något!

Fru: Du ser ut som att du letar efter något.

Jag: JAG VET!!!

Tisdag. Tre dagar efter att jag kom hem från Bokmässan.

Fru: Vad…gör du?

Jag: Borstar tänderna.

Fru: Med…barnens tandborstar?

(Tystnad)

Fru: Du…borstar…med…

Jag: Jag vet.

Fru: Var är din tandborste?

Jag: JAG VET INTE!

Fru: Hade du inte med dig den till Bokmässan?

Jag: Jo. Eller nej. Jag hade med mig den, men när jag kom fram så var den borta.

Fru: Är du säker på att den inte ligger i väskan då?

Jag: Ja! Jag vet att den inte ligger i väskan!

Fru: Men var är den då?

Jag: Jamen jag…vafan…jag vet ju att jag packade ner den i väskan, för du stod här och bara ”glöööm nu inte tandborsten”.

Fru: Jag låter inte sådär.

Jag: Du låter lite sådär.

Fru: Vet du hur du låter då? (Gör sin imitiation av ”världens minsta fiol som spelar världens sorgligaste sång” från Reservoir Dogs)

Jag: (Utan att låta ett dugg som en fiol. Inte det minsta lilla dugg!) Okej, jaha, visst…jag vet inte var tandborsten är. Är nu nöjd nu? Är det det du vill höra? Jag glömde den hemma och nu är den inte ens hemma. Och vet du vad det värsta är? Det är att du sa ”glöm inte tandborsten” och sen kom jag till hotellet och det FÖRSTA jag tänkte på när jag märkte att jag hade glömt tandborsten var att nu står du här hemma och tittar på min tandborste och tänker ”han glömde den”.

(Tystnad)

Fru: Men du glömde ju inte den.

Jag: Det gjorde jag ju!

Fru: (Gestikulerar mot badrumsskåpet) Men var är den då?

Jag: Det vet jag ju inte!

Fru: Men har du kollat i väskan då?

Jag: Tror du att jag stod på hotellet i Göteborg utan tandborsten utan att titta i väskan efter tandborsten!? Det är klart att jag tittade i väskan! Jag VET att jag tittade i väskan!

(Tystnad)

Jag: Vet du vad jag tror?

Fru: (Suckar) Jag tror att du tror att någon har stulit din tandborste.

Jag: Va? Nej! Varför skulle jag tro det?

Fru: (Knackar mig på tinningen) För att du har problem. Därinne.

Jag: (Skrattar möjligen lite för högt) Jag tror inte att någon har stulit min tandborste. Herregud. Vem stjäl ens tandborstar. Det är inte det jag tror.

Fru: Det var ju skönt.

Jag: Jag tror att någon har GÖMT min tandborste! (Eventuellt lite anklagande) Inte för att jag anklagar någon! Men jag VET att jag…

Fru: (Tar barnens tandborstar ifrån mig. Säger ”godnatt Fredrik” med den där punkten i mitten som liksom aldrig känns bra när någon använder.) Godnatt. Fredrik.

Onsdag morgon

Fru: Är inte det där…

Jag: (Medan jag borstar tänderna. Möjligen lite irriterat.) Jo.

Fru: (Med den där sortens skadeglädje som man bara kan ha om någon annan först har varit skadeglad och sen visar det sig att de hade fel och då får man vara skadeglad åt deras misslyckade skadeglädje) Det är din tandborste va?

Jag: Jag. Vet.

Fru: (Lägger armarna i kors. Det kanske inte låter så störigt men det är det. Hon kan lägga armarna i kors på det störigaste sättet i världen.) Och…du…hittade…den…i…

Jag: Jag hade redan kollat i väskan. Jag hade kollat i väskan hundra gånger!

(Tystnad)

Jag: (Harklar mig) Men jag kollade i väskan lite mer noggrant nu och…

Fru: (Sträcker armarna i luften och jublar med rubriksättare-på-Aftonbladet-ton) DU KAN ALDRIG ANA VAD SOM HÄNDE SEN!!

116 kommentarer

  2. Lägga saker på bra ställen och aldrig hitta dem igen. Min specialitet. Känner stark sympati.

  3. Om det är till nån som helst tröst så kan jag berätta att jag en gång förla mina nycklar i byxfickan på byxorna jag hade på mig hela dagen jag letade efter nämnda nyckelknippa. Annars undrar jag mest om det verkligen var helt befogat att borsta tänderna med bägge ungarnas tandborstar. Hade det inte räckt att bara gnugga väldigt mycket med en?

  4. Men hej och hallå och förlåt om jag kanske skriver på lite fel ställe här nu va. För jag vill inte prata om tandborstar. Vi kan bara konstatera att de har en sorts allergi mot väskor. De är allergiska mot handväskor när man ska ta med dem till tandläkaren och mot resväskor när man ska åka bort. Och alltid får man köpa nya reservtandborstar för dyra pengar och trots att de är jättedyra och har äcklig tandkräm så har hälften av stråna lossnat efter första gången man använt dem. För när man packat ner sin egen tandborste med rätt antal strån och allt så packar den upp sig själv. Annars tror den att den dör av anafylaktiskt chock eller nåt. Inte vet jag, jag är ingen doktor.

    Nu gjorde jag sådär igen. Babblade på. Förlåt.

    Iallafall. Jag ville egentligen säga att den där ”Björnstad” var vacker och hemsk och underbar och fantastisk och jag grät nästan hela tiden jag läste den. Det är så många saker som gör ont i den. Och som räknas. Och så mycket som är formulerat och satt på pränt som måste formuleras och sättas på pränt igen och igen. Av män. T ex. Till exempel av män. Ja. Helst. För det behövs.

    Tack. Jag älskade alla minutrar det tog att läsa den. ?

  5. *alltså de där reservtandborstarna med lösa strån säljs i receptioner på hotell och i anmälningsdisken hos tandläkare. Man hinner ju aldrig gå till affären och köpa en vanlig med fasta strån . För man behöver alltid tandborsten bums när man kommit på det. Inte efter en promenad om en timme.
    Egentligen skulle man lika gärna kunna ta en tändsticka och liksom fnasa upp den i änden utan svavel. Så den blev lite rufsig. Och sen kunde man ta lite salt på den och gnida runt lite. Budgetalternativet.

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