A walk in the park

Jag åt i förra veckan lunch med min vän och kontorskollega N. Min vän N hade med sig sitt barn, eftersom min vän N har skaffat sig ett sådant. Efter lunchen hade vi därför beslutat oss för att besöka den lokala lekparken och dricka kaffe, eftersom det är sådant man gör mitt på dagen om man är två mer eller mindre arbetslösa män i 35-årsåldern som har med sig ett barn. (Att bara dyka upp i lekparken utan barn när man är två arbetslösa män i 35-årsåldern utan att ha något synbart ärende är inte att rekommendera). Jag tänkte att vi skulle köpa vanligt äckligt kaffe på 7-Eleven på vägen, och dricka det ur pappersmugg, som normala människor, men eftersom min vän N nu tvunget inte kan göra någonting som en vanlig lat och talanglös människa skulle göra så hade han redan förberett det. Han hade nämligen gjort jättegott kokkaffe hemma istället och tagit med i termos. Dessutom hade han bakat egen vetelängd, som han hade med sig i en röd plastlåda. Kaffet serverade han i riktiga koppar, som han hade med sig i en liten väska. Och han hade alltså bakat vetelängden. Själv.

Jag visste inte ens att man kunde baka egen vetelängd. Jag trodde att det var en myt. Som jungfrufödsel eller att göra sin egen el.

Och när jag säger ”kokkaffe” så menar jag inte att min vän N hade bryggt kaffe. Jag menar att han hade kokat det. I kastrull. Som cowboys och folk i Wilhelm Moberg-romaner.

Och han hade alltså med sig riktiga koppar. Med handtag och allting. Vi befann oss mitt inne i Stockholms innerstad och till och med DÄR fanns det andra småbarnsföräldrar som helt tydligt tittade på oss och tyckte att vi hade gått för långt. Vid ett tillfälle sprang min vän N:s son iväg, och min vän N gick efter, och jag märkte inte det, och när jag insåg att nu ser det ut som att jag står här helt själv mitt i en lekpark mitt på dagen med vetelängd och en riktig kopp i handen så blev jag rädd att någon skulle polisanmäla mig. Jag vet inte exakt för vad, men jag har svårt att tänka mig att jag hade protesterat. Jag kände mig som om jag klätt mig för ett Downton Abbey-lajv och fått fel adress. Och ett problem med mig är att jag har en oundvikligt instinktiv obekvämlighetsspiral som gör att så fort en social situation börjar kännas obekväm för mig så kommer varenda sak jag gör för att göra saken bättre i själva verket göra saken mycket sämre.

Så istället för att stå där i lekparken och vara den ensamma killen utan barn som dricker kaffe ur kopp och äter vetelängd så blev jag gradvis den där ensamma killen utan barn som stod och log stelt och luftskålade med främlingar som gick förbi. Eftersom jag tänkte att det skulle få mig att se mindre skum ut.

Jag kan visserligen inte exakt gå i god för alla andra människor i parken men jag fick intrycket av att jag hade varierad framgång med just det.
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Så…ja. Det fanns alltså en liten stund där i lekparken där jag kände mig uttittad. Eller inte uttittad, kanske, men i alla fall felplacerad. Som om jag bröt mot någon form av sociala regler. Jag fick dåligt självförtroende helt enkelt. Och den bästa medicinen mot det är ju förstås att hitta någon i närheten som gör något ännu mer opassande än man själv, och ställa sig i närheten och se mer normal ut i jämförelse. (Eller, ja, den bästa medicinen hade väl möjligen varit att skaffa ett lite bättre självförtroende och sluta bete sig som en ängslig 13-åring när man är 34 år gammal, men nu kan vi för fan inte förfalla i fullständiga orimligheter här). Lyckligtvis tog jag en promenad genom lekparken och hittade en sådan person nästan genast.

Det var en man i den övre medelåldern med sympatisk uppsyn. Han var i parken med sitt barnbarn. (Jag vet inte det för att jag dömer män efter deras ålder utan för att jag hörde barnet kallade honom ”morfar”. Vilket var bra, eftersom jag redan hade dömt honom för hans ålder och man får döma folk om man har rätt. Såna är reglerna.) Medan barnet lekte i sandlådan satt mannen lugnt på en sten och drack öl. (Norrlands Guld, jag vet inte exakt om det är jätteviktigt för själva historien, men jag kände att jag i alla fall ville nämna det). Då och då bad barnbarnet honom att hjälpa till med något i sandlådan, och då ställde han ifrån sig ölen i den där lattemuggshållaren i barnvagnen (det var en Bugaboo-vagn, jag vet inte om det är jätteviktigt, men de har väldigt flexibla mugghållare). Sedan hjälpte han barnbarnet att göra sandslott, och sedan fortsatte han lugnt och bekymmersfritt att dricka öl.

Jag vet inte exakt vart jag vill komma med det här.

Men jag ville så gärna ta en bild av ölen där i lattemuggshållaren. Men jag blev nervös och rädd att morfadern med ölen skulle tycka att jag betedde mig opassande då. Så jag stod bara där. Och sen blev jag orolig över att han skulle tycka att jag var konstig som stod där och drack kaffe ur riktig kopp, för vem tar med sig riktig kopp till parken liksom, så jag gick därifrån.

Jag känner att det kanske säger en hel del om min självkänsla och nivå av paranoia jämfört med andra vuxna människor.

Han drack öl i sandlådan och jag oroade mig för vad han skulle tycka om MITT beteende.

Min psykolog och jag pratar en hel del om sådana här saker när jag träffar henne. När jag berättar det för min fru brukar min fru få dåligt samvete och erbjuda att betala så att min psykolog kan gå till en annan psykolog och ”prata ut”.

Jag vet inte exakt vad det betyder.

68 kommentarer

  1. Kokkaffe, hembakt och riktiga koppar. Det är inte annat än att respektera! En person som kan det här med picknick helt enkelt.

  2. Handtag på koppar och muggar kallar jag öra. Gott med kokkaffe och hembakat! SItter som en sportkeps.

  3. Tack Fredrik, nu kan jag lugnt låta måndagen rinna över mig och ta det med ett stort leende på läpparna…..vänta, måste torka lite skrattårar……you nalied it, som vi säger på ren svenska! 🙂

  4. Så underbar text. Du är verkligen inte ensam om detta så träffsäkert. Hittar och känner igen mig i allt. Vi är nog alla lite normalstörda. Härligt uppfriskande läsning.

  5. Så skön du är som bjuder på sånt här! Jag gör en del märkliga saker också. Kommer inte på något här och nu som är underhållande dock. ?

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