For the kids

Söndag. Vanliga sorten.

Fru: Vart ska du?

Jag: (Möjligen eventuellt, betraktat lite så här i efterhand, kanske en smula onödigt stöddigt) Vart JAG ska?

Fru: Ja?

Jag: Vart jag SKA?

Fru: Ja?

Jag: VART jag sk…

Fru: (Faktiskt ändå lite oresonligt bestämd i tonen) Svara på frågan!

Jag: Jag ska till vår sons fotbollsträning. För att jag engagerar mig i våra barns fritidsintressen!


Jag: (Hostar. Vanlig hostning. Inte nervös hostning. Bara vanlig helt vanlig onervös hostning. Bara.) Och jaaa! Jag är medveten om att vår son just idag är på födelsedagskalas och inte själv ska på fotbollsträningen.


Jag: (Inte alls anklagande.) Men det var du som sa att det var bra att jag var engagerad i våra barns fritidsintressen.


Jag: (Harklar mig. Helt vanligt.) Och jaaaa…jag fattar att just det här med att jag går på våra barns fritidsintressen när våra barn inte är med framstår som lite…

(Jag letar efter rätt ord)

Fru: Oroväckande?

Jag: Jag tänkte mer ”fint” eller ”berömvärt” eller…”naaw”.

Fru: Bara så att jag begriper det här rätt nu: Du ska alltså gå på vårt barns fotbollsträning medan vårt barn är på ett födelsedagskalas?

Jag: Det var du som sa att jag inte fick följa med på födelsedagskalaset.

Fru: Det stod ganska tydligt i inbjudan att kalaset bara var för barn.

Jag: Okej. Så mitt brott här är att jag bryr mig för MYCKET? Är det så? Är det så det är? Va? Va!?


Fru: Har du anmält dig som tränare för fotbollslaget?

Jag: Nej.

Fru: Du VET att jag sa till dig at…

Jag: Jag vet vad du sa till mig! Du sa att jag inte får bli tränare för att jag inte ”kan hantera mina känslor för fotboll” men det är fan BULLSHIT! JAG HANTERAR MINA KÄNSLOR ASBRA NÄSTA HELA TIDE…

Fru: När Sverige skulle möta Danmark sa du till våra barn att ”om det här går åt helvete så kan ni fan glömma att vi åker till Legoland fler gånger” och sen hotade du att ha sönder deras ninjaborg.

Jag: Det gjorde jag INTE! Jag sa att ”om Danmark vinner så kan alla i Ninjago dra åt helvete!”. Och sen…okej det är möjligt att jag sa något om att det vore ju tråkigt om…något hände. Med ninjaborgen. Det var inte personligt. Det var riktat mot…allt Lego. Men nu ordnade sig ju allting till det bästa eftersom Sverige vann!

Fru: (Låter faktiskt inte helt och hållet som att hon menar det) Men du har ju jättebra kontroll över dina känslor för fotboll. Verkligen.


Jag: (Harklar mig. Eftersom jag har något i halsen. Inte för att jag är obekväm. Vanligt jävla fucking harkling bara.)

Fru: Du har blivit tränare för knattelaget, eller hur?



Jag: Eller det beror väl lite på exakt hur du menar.

Fru: Vad exakt är det du har gått med på att göra?

Jag: Nämen jag har sagt att jag kanske kan hjälpa till lite.

Fru: Med vad?

Jag: Med…träningarna.

Fru: Herregud.

Jag: Vadå ”herregud”, jag tänker på barnen här!

Fru: Det gör jag också, det är därför jag säger ”herregud”!

Jag: Det är bara en timme varje helg och vårt barn ska ju ändå vara där så det är ju mest som en gemensam aktivitet för oss.

Fru: Förutom idag då. När vårt barn inte ens är där.

Jag: Förutom DEN lilla detaljen då!


Fru: Men du har inte tagit på dig något mer ansvar här nu va?

Jag: Hur menar du?

Fru: Vi kommer inte plötsligt ha hela vårt förråd fullt av fotbollar eller nåt sånt skit?

(Eventuellt lite för lång tystnad.)

Fru: (Med den jätteonödiga tonen som om om hon skulle kunna gå alldeles utmärkt utan min luft i hennes lungor och som om hon inte ens hade några problem alls med att stå utan att jag såg på och som om hon inte överhuvudtaget blev färglös som en tår utan mina andetag.) FREDRIK!!!

Jag: Okej okej men kommer du ihåg hur mycket du gnällde över att jag hade en massa skrivmaskiner i bagageutrymmet på vår bil?

Fru: (Med ansiktet i handflatorna) Säg det inte!

Jag: Okej men de goda nyheterna är att bagageutrymmet i vår bil inte är fullt av skrivmaskiner längre.


82 kommentarer

  1. FREDRIK! (Fast utan allt tjafs om andetag o så autospell trodde snedtak…o så…..)

  2. När ni ändå är igång och diskuterar ny bil kan ni också diskutera att skaffa ett barn till, då har ni snart ett eget fotbollslag och din fru behöver inte oroa sig för att du tränar andra barn än dina egna ;-)!

  3. Har du tänkt på att grabben snart kan börja med flaggfotboll som blir amerikansk fotboll när han har åldern inne och med din kunskap kan han få spela college boll för att bli draftad till NFL och då kan INGEN klaga på att du inte investerat din tid väl

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