Min fru och det falska kaoset

Jag försöker inte byta samtalsämne här.

Det enda jag SA var att det finns två sorters människor: De ärliga och de falska. Och det finns två sorters kaos: Det ärliga kaoset, som man SER är kaos, och det falska, som ser ut som om det är välstädat och organiserat trots att det egentligen ÄR kaos.

Jag är en ärlig människa. Jag tänker inte sitta här och snacka skit om min fru, jag håller inte på så, jag pratar bara om mig själv: Jag säger bara att JAG är en ärlig människa. Jag säger inte ett ord om min fru.

Jag tänker möjligen säga ett eller två ord om skåpet i vår hall. Det har rent händelsevis organiserats av min fru. Det ser inte ett dugg kaotiskt ut. Tvärtom, när man öppnar det ser det ut som om någon med diagnos har byggt det i Plus-Plus. Det är perfekt. Det är som den där gången när jag träffade en svinsnygg, asvältränad kille på en fest som visade sig jobba som stridspilot och som dessutom gillade Dallas Cowboys och skrattade åt mina skämt och var TREVLIG. Herregud vad jag hatade honom. Och det är så skåp ser ut när min fru har organiserat dem: Allt får plats, allt har plats, ingenting tar plats. Men vet ni vad? Vet. Ni. Vad? Det är fejk. Det är en lögn. Det är Leonardo DiCaprio i Catch me if you can, det är vad det är. Skåpet har bara självförtroende och ingen skam i kroppen, det är vad skåpet har och inte har. Jag vet det här för en gång fick min fru in oss på en nattklubb i Paris med kilometerlång kö utanför genom att bara gå rakt fram till vakten och säga att vi stod på listan. Och han bara ”we don’t have a list”, och hon bara ”yes you do”. Och då tittade han skitlänge på henne och sen suckade han och släppte in oss. Fattar ni? Jag är fan gift med Obi-Wan Kenobi. När hon köpte bil fick hon lägre pris för att hon förhandlade till sig rabatt på extrautrustning som hon inte ens hade beställt. Man kan inte lita på henne över huvud taget.

Så visst, det där skåpet i hallen ser u-t att vara i ordning, men varje gång jag ska ta ut en enda grej ur det så rasar allt som ett plockepinn på en kontinentalplatteskarv. Och min fru bara ”men varför är du inte försiktig?” och jag bara ”jag tog den från TOPPEN det är inte meningen att grejer ska rasa om man tar något från TOPPEN!” och hon bara ”nä det gjorde du inte” och jag bara ”jo det gjorde jag” och hon bara ”nej det gjorde du inte”. Och sen har jag huvudvärk i tre dagar.

Hon bygger falska kaos, min fru. Jag säger inte att hon är oärlig, jag säger bara att hon är okej jag säger att hon är oärlig. Jag säger det. Men jag säger inte det. Jag bara återger handlingsförlopp här, egentligen, helt utan värderingar. Så det enda jag egentligen säger att hennes kaos saknar värderingar. Som hon. Och titta fan inte på mig som om det MIG det är fel på här. För när JAG har orsakat kaos så är jag ärlig med det!

När jag har varit i vårt källarförråd några gånger i rad och lagt in och tagit ut grejer i ingen speciell ordning då är det kaos därnere, och då hycklar varken jag eller förrådet med det. När jag har orsakat kaos i ett rum ser det fan ut som om en panda och en isbjörn har slagits på fyllan.

FÖR JAG ÄR EN ÄRLIG PERSON!

Men hur som helst.

Jag försöker inte byta samtalsämne.

Jag bara säger att när min fru sa ”men herregud jag har ju sagt att jag kan göra det” och jag sa ”nej men jag GÖR det! Lägg av!” och hon bara ”men du GÖR ju inte det!” och jag bara ”jo det GÖR jag ju!” och hon bara ”nu är det faktiskt mars, Fredrik, och den står kvar i hallen” och jag bara ”ja det vet jag väl” och hon bara ”men nu går jag ner med den i förrådet” och jag bara ”NEJ FÖR DÅ GÖR DU OM ALLT DÄRNERE OCH SEN ÄR DET FALSKT KAOS!!!”. Och hon bara ”du behöver hjälp”. Och då skrek jag ”falskt kaos dödar!!!”.

Och visst, då kan ni ju sitta där och himla med ögonen men det här är faktiskt en säkerhetsfråga. Ibland följer barnen med när jag ska hämta något i förrådet. Pulkor och så. Någon måste faktiskt tänka på barnen.

Om det är ärligt kaos så är jag extremt försiktig med vad jag lyfter på och inte, men om min fru har varit där nere och ”organiserat” så kommer det vara f-a-l-s-k-t kaos, det kommer se ut som en hotellsvit, och jag kommer gå in och bara ”shit vad mycket plats det är här hur gjorde hon det?” och så lyfter jag på en lampa i ena änden och sen ligger jag begravd under en tvåtonslavin vinteroveraller och backgammonspel från andra änden. Jag vet hur fan det blir. Jag är ingen rookie. Och vi har inte ens några backgammonspel i vårt förråd.

Någon måste tänka på barnen!

Men hur som helst.

Jag försöker inte byta samtalsämne.

Men det är mitten av mars nu så jag SA bara att eftersom jag inte har satt ner lådan med julprydnader än så kan det ju knappast spela någon roll om den står i hallen EN dag till. Jag var ÄRLIG med mina tillkortakommanden.

Och då sa min fru ”okej”.

”Okej”, sa hon.

Okej.

Ingenting mer sa hon. Bara det. Men under tiden så lyckades vår dotter under väldigt, väldigt, väldigt mystiska omständigheter få för sig att det finns en superhjälte som heter ”Superkakan” och nu har hon förbjudit mig från att äta kakor. Och nu säger hon att jag inte kommer vara hennes pappa längre om hon upptäcker att jag har ätit en enda. Hon har räknat kakorna i vårt skåp, säger hon. Hon är fan inte ens tre år gammal och hon RÄKNAR kakor.

Och min fru bara ”nä jag har inte lärt henne räkna, nä jag har inte sagt något om superhjältar”.

Så visst. Mörkrets makter vinner igen. Jag går ner med flyttlådan nu.

Men om jag får en pulka i huvudet och dör när jag öppnar förrådsdörren så ska ni veta att jag dog en ärlig död.

För någon måste faktiskt tänka på kakorna.

113 kommentarer

  1. Det finns ytterligare ett slags kaos, även det en falsk variant. Det är när det ser ut som kaos men egentligen inte är det (det är dock en hårfin gräns mellan verkligt kaos och denna typ av kaos men jag hävdar att jag praktiserar detta falska kaos)

  3. FANNS DET KAKOR!!?
    Gick du ner i förrådet fast det fanns kakor?
    Fredrik, har du feber? Mår du bra? Behöver du prata med någon? Vi finns här för dig, både jag, Raffen och Annabelle.

  4. Bor ihop med en iraner på 18 året och känner igen mkt, prutandet, envisheten, argumenten. Jag tror alla blir uppfostrade till att mena att de har rätt. Sist vi tjafsade så var jag tvungen att säga att det inte är konstigt att det krigas så mkt i ”hans del” av världen. Det roliga var ju att han var enig och hade inget argument mot det:)

  6. Göm kakorna i källarförrådet! Din dotter får väl inte gå ner där själv och räkna dem?

  7. Man kan ha verkligt kaos och ändå veta PRECIS var sakerna är. Man kanske i och för sig behöver lyfta bort ett antal kartonger, halvfulla papperskassar med julprydnader (är riktigt stolt, våra julprydnader har i alla fall kommit till förrådet), kassar som ska till återvinningen, till second hand….. Även hos oss riskerar man att få något i huvudet när man lyfter på saker, eller att bryta benet när man glider på något halt och slipprigt som man inte städat bort. Man VET i alla fall var sakerna är som man behöver. Om man kanske inte just då kommer på att man slängde dem i den stora utrensningen -96, förstås. Säger inte att det ÄR så, säger bara att det KAN vara så. Kakor har vi inte alls i förrådet.

  9. När jag läser din blogg (dagligen checkar om du har lagt upp något nytt) så har jag något, varje gång som är som draget ur mitt eget liv med min sambo. Att bo med en sydafrikan är stökigt. Städa är ett ord som inte finns i hans värld. så det är falskt stökigt, mestadels av tiden.

    Fantastisk blogg!

  10. Kan inget annat än att älska ett inlägg som går från Dallas Cowboys till Obi-Wan-Kenobi till kakor. Det går liksom inte. Så snyggt skrivet.

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