Fru: (Med den onödiga tonen) Har du köpt en ny docka, älskling?
Jag: (Sammanbiten på helt normal nivå.) Det är inte en jävl…det är inte…det är en SAMLARFIGUR!
Fru: (Som om det inte spelar någon roll) Vad är skillnaden då, älskling?
Jag: (Kanske lite förnärmad. Men inte onormalt förnärmad. Knappt ens irriterad.) En docka är en leksak. Älskling.
Fru: (Klappar samlarfiguren nedlåtande på huvudet. Missbrukar vokalerna.) Och vad är det hääär då?
Jag: En samlarfigur.
Fru: Vad gör man med den då?
Jag: Man…vad…vad är det för fråga? Det är en samlarfigur!
Fru: Men vad gör man med den?
Jag: Men vadå ”vad gör man”, det är som att fråga ”vad gör man med en väska”?
Fru: Man stoppar saker i den så att man kan transportera dem på ett praktiskt och säkert sätt.
Jag: Va?
Fru: Det är vad man har en väska till. Vad har man dockan till?
Jag: (Möjligtvis lite med mitt ansikte ganska mycket i mina handflator.) Det är inte en docka. Det är en samlarfigur.
(Tystnad. Inte den sorten som känns som när min fru inser att hon har fel och erkänner att hon behandlat mig orättvist och beslutar sig för att lära sig av sina misstag. Mer den andra sortens tystnad.)
Fru: Så vad är en samlardocka då?
Jag: Va?
Fru: Det måste väl finnas samlardockor? Om det finns samlarfigurer? Vad är skillnaden?
Jag: Varför…hur…vad har det med saken att göra?
Fru: (Slår ner blicken. Ser sårad ut.) Men förlåt då. Jag försöker bara förstå dina intressen.
Jag: Men herreg…jag vet inte om det finns samlardockor!
Fru: Han i Heroes då?
Jag: Vem?
Fru: ”The Puppet Master” eller vad han hette, han som kunde kontrolle…
Jag: DET HÄR ÄR INTE EN DOCKA!
Fru: Du behöver inte bli arg.
Jag: Jag är inte arg.
Fru: Du låter lite arg.
Jag: Det är inte…det är en…man samlar, bara! Det är bara en samlarfigur!
Fru: (Med tonen som om hon pratade med mig genom en väldigt tjock glasruta) Men en samling av…vad…älskling?
Jag: Va?
Fru: Varför samlar man på just den här figuren? (Gör jätteonödigt jättedramatiska jättelångsamma luftcitationstecken, som om hon fångar Pokémons på en jättestor osynlig telefon eller låtsasspacklar en väldigt, väldigt liten sovrumsvägg) Om det nu är en ”samlarfigur”? Vad är det för speciellt med just den här?
Jag: (Tålmodig som en jävla munk.) Det är Mats Sundin.
(Lite mer tryckt tystnad.)
Fru: (Sänker rösten, låter rädd.) Har du…döpt dockan, Fredrik?
Jag: Jag har inte DÖPT doc…jag har för helvete inte…det är en SAMLARFIGUR!
Fru: (Harklar sig. Gnider händerna nervöst runt varandra.) Och den…heter…Mats?
Jag: (Inte alls otrevligt. I alla fall inte mer otrevligt än vad som är rimligt.) Sundin. Mats Sundin.
(Fru ser sig omkring, inte helt olikt sättet man ser sig omkring efter vassa föremål att flytta utom räckhåll för någon.)
Fru: Och du…vet att dockan heter ”Mats”…för att… (lutar sig fram och klappar mig på armen) …dockan har berättat det för dig?
Jag: Men vafan lägg av nu! Mats Sundin är en av de bästa svenska hockeyspelarna som någonsin spelat i NHL, jag orkar inte, hur kan du inte ha hört talas om Mats Sundin? Du skämtar med mig nu, eller hur?
Fru: (Andas ut på ett otroligt onödigt överdrivet lättat sätt.) Så dockan…pratar inte?
Jag: Nej!!!
(Lång, eftertänksam, obeskrivligt kränkande tystnad.)
Fru: Men…du vet…ÖNSKAR du ibland att docka… (avbryter sig, slår ut med armarna) Förlåt! Förlåt! Önskar du ibland att…(nickar diskret mot Mats Sundin bakom hans rygg och viskar) ”M-a-t-s”…skulle…”prata”?
Jag: (Tar ett väldigt djupt och väldigt vuxet andetag) Jag vet att du bara gör det här för att retas. För att du vill göra mig arg.
(Tystnad. Alla olika sorter.)
Fru: Varför ser Mats ut som att han är kissnödig?
Jag: För att benen är felvridna för att barnen höll på med honom för att de trodde att han var en jävla leksak!
Fru: Så han är inte kissnödig?
Jag: Jag vet att du bara försöker göra mig arg.
Fru: Har du frågat Mats?
Jag: JAG BLIR ÄNDÅ ARG!!!
Han ser faktiskt kissnödig ut..
För övrigt så var det väl faan på tiden att man fick njuta lite av bloggen igen 😉
Your baaack! Hurra! Läser förövrigt ”Mormor hälsar…” för min 4,5-åring nu och det fungerar väldigt bra! Kunde inte hålla mig från att dela favoritboken med honom. Vi gapskrattade båda två när mormor hade kastat ”bajs” och igår när ”sommarlovspolisen” eskorterat dem till BB. Tack för det!
Du är tillbaka!
Tack och tack för underhållningen, själv hade jag en ”Mats Sundin”-klausul i mitt första äktenskap, om Mats (som jag fortfarande aldrig träffat) skulle fria, visste maken att han skulle komma tvåa. Fast jag tycker att det är lite läskigt med samlardockor. ?
Äntligen!!!!
Trodde aldrig jag skulle få börja dagen med ett gott skratt igen, men nu kom det!! Välkommen tillbaka!
It’s alive! 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xos2MnVxe-c
Det var ju inte alls likt Sudden. Inte benställningen heller….
Din fru är ett geni.
Självklart är det en samlarfigur även om det är fel figur, det ska såklart vara Foppa. Själv fick jag sällskap av Foppa (samlarfiguren) från Malmö upp till Övik för att en vän ville ha den signerad. Sen fick den åka ner till Malmö igen och där står den nog ännu. 🙂
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