Min familj och jag och hur vi skiljer oss från varandra

På semester. På vårt hotellrum. 30 minuter efter incheckning.

Fru: Vad letar du efter?

Jag: Mina badshorts.

Fru: De ligger i garderoben i sovrummet, på hyllan längst ner, näst längst till vänster.

Jag: Och barnens flipflo…

Fru: Skohyllan i lilla garderoben i hallen.

Jag: ”Lilla” garderoben?

Fru: Ja. Eftersom det finns en stor garderob som vi kallar ”stora garderoben” och en blå garderob som vi kallar ”blå garderoben”. Och så finns det en liten garderob som vi kallar ”lilla garderoben”.

(Tystnad)

Jag: Vilka är de här ”vi”?

Fru: Du och jag och barnen.

Jag: Vi har varit här i 30 minuter. Jag vet inte om jag är redo för smeknamn på förvaringslösningar ä…vänta nu, stod de här blommorna där när vi kom?

Fru: Nej.

Jag: Var fick du dem ifrån?

Fru: Jag köpte dem.

Jag: När då?

Fru: (Rycker på axlarna) Vad spelar det för roll? Har du pratat med våra grannar förresten?

Jag: Våra…grannar? Vi är på ett hotell, jag pratar inte ens med våra grannar hemma…

Fru: De är jättetrevliga!

Jag: Du  vet det där folk brukar säga till dig om att du är en sån som kan anpassa dig till vad som helst och känna dig som hemma var som helst?

Fru: Ja?

Jag: Det börjar gå till överdrift.

Fru: Äh, det är bara du som är känslig för förändringar. Det är inte som att vi kom hit alldeles NYSS liksom.

Jag: Vi kom för en halvtimme sen.

Fru: Ja?

Jag: Ja!

Fru: Jamen i din takt så har vi ju vant oss vid att vara på semester när det är dags att åka hem från semestern!

Jag: Det är så det är meningen att det ska vara!!!

Fru: Okej, gör som du vill då, kan du hämta barnen sen?

Jag: Hämta barnen? Var är barnen?

Fru: Hos sina kompisar.

Jag: Hos sina kompi…hur fan hann de få kompisar?

Fru: (Knäpper med fingrarna) Men hallå? Är du här över huvud taget? Var vill du äta middag? Det finns ju tre restauranger på hotellet men jag såg en trevlig ute på gatan också och sen finns det ju den där inne i stan som alla snackar om.

Jag: Vilka ”alla”?

Fru: Alla på hotellet.

Jag: Hur många människor har du hunnit prata med?

Fru: (Rycker på axlarna) Hur många har du hunnit prata med?

Jag: INGA!

Fru: Men du är ju helt hopplös att vara på semester med.

Jag: Hur är jag hoppl…fan, har du sett min klocka?

Fru: (Med tonen som om jag borde veta det) Men snälla älskling, den ligger i nedersta lådan i byrån i sovrummet.

Jag: Varför säger du det som om det vore en självklarhet att jag vet det?

Fru: Men snälla älskling, den har alltid legat i nedersta lådan.

Jag: HUR KAN DEN ”ALLTID” HA GJORT DET??? VI HAR VARIT HÄR I TRETTIO MINUTER! T-R-E-T-T-I-O!!!

(Ganska lång tystnad)

Fru: Vill du att jag hämtar svenskt kaffe och Aftonbladet och lämnar dig ifred en stund?

Jag: Ja tack.

176 kommentarer

  2. Jag är lite kvar på den där Dark Christmas grejen.
    Blev oväntat ensam hemma. Sååå… jag tänkte att jag provar väl. Är lite ovan vid sprit. *rafsar runt lite i barskåpet* (Okej då. Skafferiet.) Hittar inte precis en flaska mörk rom. Men något jag fick av en kompis för flera år sen. Mummelman. *kikar med öga i den* Det ser brunt ut. *framgång* Den kan passera som ”rom”. Och julmust finns nog. Coca-Cola. Whatever. Och en gul plastcitron med det där sura innehållet vet jag att en familjemedlem tjatade till sig sist vi handlade. Det här kan bli bra.

    Men för att hålla mig till ämnet då. Det aktuella.; Det verkar så himla perfekt att ha en fru. De har koll på restauranger och grannar och ungar och extrapriser och allt möjligt. En del kan t o m baka. Jag skulle behöva en själv. Minst en. Grattis till den som har en!

  3. @Annica

    Men – hur SMAKADE din den där nästan-men-inte-alls-Black-Christmas då?

    #fortfarandeTeamAnnica

  4. @WWFBD

    Först fick jag vin till maten! Sen efter disken blir det bra-nära-exakt-Dark-Christmas!

    *dansar*

  5. You never mess with the sjörapport. Det är allt vad jag vill säga. Bottenviken, Gotska Sandön….Och inte minst kvarken… Hur ska man kunna slappna av utan lite stabilitet.

  7. Jaha. Nähä. @WWFBD.
    Jag ska berätta hur det blev. Mitt i det där dansandet fick jag se mig själv i spegeln. Och kom på att jag behövde klippas. För Guds skull! Så jag tog fram saxenochklippteochsenblevdethårövetalltochdåbehövdejagdammsugaochsenslutadedetsomvanligtmedattjaglågisoffanochundradeomjagberättatförungenattjagköptehemostbågariveckanelleromdetfannsenrimligchansattjagfickätauppallasjälv.
    Kort sagt. Det sprack.
    Kanske nästa gång.

  8. @Annica

    Ah. Attans då. Du gick i den gamla hederliga (ohederliga i mitt tycke dock) ostbågefällan. Not that I blame you. Ostbågar kommer ofta ivägen för andra planer. Men ändå.

    Så ja, kanske nästa gång då.

  9. @WWFBD

    Ja jag vet inte vad jag ska säga. *skakar på huvudet*

    Det hade iallafall aldrig hänt ifall jag haft en fru.

  10. @Annica

    Nej, det hade det sannerligen inte gjort. Allas envarsrätt till fru borde vara lika lagstadgat som barnbidrag, kan jag tycka. Särskilt om de gått i kurs hos Fru Backman.

    Jag skulle själv kunna tänka mig en eller ett par, faktiskt.

    Nej du, nu måste jag gå och kontrollräkna mina ostbågar.

    *gör en oerhört dramatisk gest mot skafferiet*

  11. Om man själv är fru, kan man istället få skicka sin man på fruskola hos Fru Backman-Shafti? Fru vill också ha Fru…

  14. @WWFBD
    Banne mig! Rätten till en egen fru skulle vara lagstadgad! Det skulle jag kunna stå på barrikaderna för! Samt att det borde vara en mänsklig rättighet att ligga sked! We have rights! We have rights! *skanderar*

    @M
    Finns det inte en risk med att skicka mannen på fru-skola? Ifall han träffar en annan man där? En… som det ligger nära till hands att tänka på? I närheten? För då kanske det blir värre? Med lite fel fokus. På sport och det. *hostar* *host* *host* *och ost* Du vet?
    Eller alltså. Jag är ju inte kursansvarig för fru-skolan. Jag bara tänkte. Lite.

    Jag tar nog hellre en fru för att vara på den säkra sidan. Eller två, ifall det finns någon som inte vill ha sin.

  15. wow vad hon är effektiv! *beundrande blick* Det blir nog en finfin semester ska du se. 🙂

    ps. Filmen är jättebra, du kan vara helt nöjd med regissören och skådespelarna!

  17. @Annica det är ju förvisso sant… Men min man är för det första inte jättesportintresserad…. För det andra kanske man kan hålla fruskolan i en därför avsedd avskiljd lokal? Snacka in sig med Sensus och ordna en studiecirkel liksom??

  18. Blommor?!? Menar du på fullaste allvar att du såg att det kommit in blommor!?

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